HEYA, BOOK NERDS!
On Friday, February 15, 2019, I participated in Revise and Resub’s #10queries event on Twitter along with a fabulous team of freelance editors.
Writers had the chance to submit their queries and first five pages into a drawing. Ten submissions were randomly selected for each editor, which were critiqued through the #10queries event on Twitter as a way to help writers learn and improve their craft.
In case you aren’t on Twitter or missed the event, my #RevPit #10queries feedback can be found below.
SUBMISSION #1: ADULT (?) CONTEMPORARY
QUERY
SUBMISSION # 1, QUERY – Adult? Contemporary: There are shapeshifters, so this should probably be UF. What are the protagonist’s motives and why is she running away? Why did she murder her roommate? The plot summary needs to focus more on the plot. Who is the protagonist? What does she want? What is in the way of her getting what she wants? What is at stake for her/her world?
PAGES
SUBMISSION # 1, PAGES: While having the protagonist meet the love interest/another primary character on page one is an exciting way to open the story, I’m wondering if the book is starting too late (after her life already changed/the inciting incident). In addition, I would love to see richer, visceral descriptions of the characters (body language, clothing, etc.) as well as of the setting (rather than a listing of the things in the room). Last, consider starting your story with an interactive scene (rather than walking around).
SUBMISSION #2: YA FANTASY
QUERY
SUBMISSION # 2, QUERY – YA Fantasy: Fantastic first line/hook! What is her addiction and what is she a servant of? What two lives has she always embraced? Provide specific conflict: what was the true cost of her bargain? Love the stakes and premise. However, I don’t (yet) understand if your protagonist has magic and how she accomplished some of these feats. I also spotted a few typos. Good job overall!
PAGES
SUBMISSION # 2, PAGES – YA Fantasy: The first two sentences are a little clunky, but I enjoyed where the story started. Gripping descriptions and engaging voice! When/where does your story take place? The description of the activities around the protagonist is fantastic, but I’d like to see the protagonist actively participating in a scene.
SUBMISSION #3: MG CONTEMPORARY
QUERY
SUBMISSION # 3, QUERY – MG Contemporary: Love the protagonist’s starting problem—very unique! However, I think your hook (first line) needs to be stronger. I’d like to see more conflict immediacy and character voice—let’s dig into the protagonist’s mind, goals, and desires. Be careful of vague (vs. specific) conflict, such as “the source of her powers,” “search for hidden treasure,” and “leads her friends into grave danger.” Be more specific and reveal more/what you can.
PAGES
SUBMISSION # 3, PAGES – MG Contemporary: Rather than starting your story with your protagonist watching others, consider having them participate in a scene. Also, try to avoid describing your character’s appearance by having them look at themselves in the mirror (this is a too-common tactic). I would love to see more showing (vs. telling) and voice from the character. For example, rather than saying a girl is bossy, show us what she’s saying and how it’s bossy.
SUBMISSION #4: MG PORTAL FANTASY
QUERY
SUBMISSION # 4, QUERY – MG (Portal) Fantasy: I struggled to understand how a school-aged boy wasn’t in school. Is he homeschooled? There are a lot of sentence fragments that made me stop and reread sections. The last line of the plot summary mentions big plot elements that should have been woven in sooner. I recommend restructuring the plot summary to introduce us to the protagonist and his world, what drives the protagonist (what does he want and what’s keeping him from getting that?), when/how his world changes, the main plot of the book (antagonist, the big problem that needs to be solved), and what actions the protagonist will take to achieve his desired outcome.
PAGES
SUBMISSION # 4, PAGES – MG (Portal) Fantasy: The first sentence is a single word, which surprised me at first. But the more I read, the more I came to enjoy the playful voice of the character. (I laughed aloud at several points!) Be careful adding too much exposition/backstory into the dialogue. In addition, think carefully of what a child would say/think about. While I loved the character’s voice, consider starting the story in a scene the protagonist is actively participating in (vs. reflecting during a game). We do need to see the character in his homeland prior to his life being turned upside-down (the inciting incident), but be careful not to focus on too many normal daily activities.
SUBMISSION #5: YA URBAN FANTASY
QUERY
SUBMISSION # 5, QUERY – YA Urban Fantasy: Who is this person the protagonist is having visions about? Why are they important? Plot summaries are, usually, broken down into three paragraphs. In the first, we learn about the protagonist and his/her world (what drives him/her and what he/she wants most) as well as the inciting incident (the moment the character’s world changes forever). Paragraphs two and three should focus on the plot (what is the main problem/conflict of the book) and any necessary world-building (only information we NEED to know to understand the plot summary). Consider telling your query from a single POV (usually your “main” protagonist’s perspective).
PAGES
SUBMISSION # 5, PAGES – YA Urban Fantasy: Rather than starting the book with an internal reflection of an upcoming, life-altering decision, consider starting the book with a scene that shows her making this decision. As readers, we want to see the protagonist actively participating in a scene. This helps us get to know their character and also helps to avoid the author’s telling us things about the character (vs. showing it). I felt distanced from the scene due to a lack of immediacy for the character (rather than her immersed in a scene).
SUBMISSION #6: ADULT CONTEMPORARY FANTASY
QUERY
SUBMISSION # 6, QUERY – Adult Contemporary Fantasy: The comp titles are HYSTERICAL. Loving the spunk. While I love the premise and think you do a nice job setting it up, I wonder why your protagonist wants to keep this magic community a secret. What’s at stake for her/her world if the secret gets out? While I enjoyed the way you wove these three POVs together in the plot summary, I recommend writing the query from a single POV (whoever is your “main” protagonist). That way, we can get a better sense of character goals, motivation, and stakes—as well as the main plot.
PAGES
SUBMISSION # 6, PAGES – Adult Contemporary Fantasy: I like the list of three essentials in the first sentence, but I think it needs to be more succinct in order for it to have the punch you’re going for. Love the voice and premise, but I think your story would benefit from starting with a scene (rather than reflecting on her mother and why she no longer lives at home). That information can be woven in later in a more relevant context (rather than her writing down notes).
SUBMISSION #7: ADULT FANTASY
QUERY
SUBMISSION # 7, QUERY – Adult Fantasy: You had my heart at the world-building in the first paragraph. SO GOOD. Be careful including too many characters and world-specific terms in your query. Try to limit character names to only main characters: the protagonist, love interest, primary characters, and antagonist (usually). The plot in the third, fourth, and fifth paragraphs was muddied by all the names. While it was cool to see this family dynamic, I think the query space would be better spent focusing on the main plot: what does the character want? What is preventing her from getting what she wants (antagonist/main conflict)? What does she do to try to achieve her goals? What’s at stake for the protagonist and the world? Also, try to limit your plot summary to three paragraphs. Your word count may be too high for some agents (100,000 words is a safer range).
PAGES
SUBMISSION # 7, PAGES – Adult Fantasy: I’d love it if, in the first line, we aren’t sure if it’s a match. Have her hold a knife to a man’s throat (don’t name him yet), but describe the two fighters, their stances, the setting, etc., and UP the tension. I wonder if having them use their telepathic abilities that soon on page one might be disorienting to the reader? Perhaps consider having them spar and exchange jibes (verbally) before letting them pass secrets using their powers. Be careful including too many names and world-specific terms too soon. I had to stop several times and reread sections to figure out who was who.
SUBMISSION #8: ADULT THRILLER (?)
QUERY
SUBMISSION # 8, QUERY – Adult Thriller (?): You will need to pick a primary genre (vs. science fiction/fantasy thriller). You can say “science fiction with thriller elements,” for example. In general, I recommend not revealing your manuscript’s themes in the query. Instead, jump right to the plot summary. (Let the themes be discovered in the pages!) What is the battle they’re preparing for? More specifics!
PAGES
SUBMISSION # 8, PAGES – Adult Thriller (?): I’d love to see more voice in the first sentence. Right now, it’s great at revealing where the characters are. However, I think voice tends to pull a reader in more. Be careful describing too many minute details (window color, breeze, etc.), as they can bog down the pacing of the scene. Be careful telling too much (vs. showing) the relationship between the men in the car, what weapons they have on them, and other background information. Show they are close through how they interact in a scene (rather than stating they’re close outright). Also, try to weave in character description into where it’s relevant in a scene.
SUBMISSION #9: YA PARANORMAL ROMANCE
QUERY
SUBMISSION # 9, QUERY – YA Paranormal Romance: I recommend reformatting your query (agents can be particular!). Queries should be formatted similarly to a cover letter for a job: single-spaced, line breaks between paragraphs, no indents, etc. Since there’s time travel, I wonder if your book would be better categorized as an adult historical romance (or just a time travel romance)? In addition, YA books are (typically) about protagonists aged 14-17 (your protagonist is 21, and it appears one of the themes is her becoming a responsible adult). I’d like to see more of your protagonist’s voice in the query. You have a lot of the overarching plot elements, which is great. But I’d like to learn more about these “eerie events” as well (specific vs. vague conflict).
PAGES
SUBMISSION # 9, PAGES – YA Paranormal Romance: Be careful starting your book with a scene where your character is walking around. While this can be great to give the reader a sense for what is normal for the protagonist, this is an overdone tactic. Instead, start at/near the destination (ideally, start in a scene where the protagonist is actively participating). Also, be careful starting the book in paragraph one with something strange happening to the character (an “episode,” as you called it). Since we don’t know her yet, we can’t yet sympathize that something different/strange is happening to her.
SUBMISSION #10: MG FANTASY
QUERY
SUBMISSION # 10, QUERY – MG Fantasy: Similar to submission #9, I recommend reformatting your query (agents can be particular!). Queries should be formatted similarly to a cover letter for a job: single-spaced, line breaks between paragraphs, no indents, etc. Goodness, I love the voice in this query! It’s so playful. I’d like to better understand where your story takes place and how the Unplace fits into the scheme of things. Also, is the princess evil? Why is she trapped there? Why does your protagonist want to rescue her?
PAGES
SUBMISSION # 10, PAGES – MG Fantasy: Killer first line! It had me laughing aloud. Who is your narrator? It feels like there’s a bit of breaking the fourth wall. Why did your protagonist change so suddenly (from sketching to lists)? Is it due to magic? Your writing is sweet as honey—it’s clean and the voice is spectacular. My biggest question is regarding the plot and character arc—how the princess fits into the overarching plot and what your protagonist’s character arc will be. Great job!
iWriterly 
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